Italian beauty Monica Bellucci — who stole our heart years ago in “Malena” — is not having a good week.

Bellucci’s Paris apartment, which she shares with actor husband Vincent Cassel — was burglarized while she was in Cannes last week promoting a new film.

The burglars got more than $100,000 in jewelry and other goods, police told the wire services.

But more importantly, Bellucci’s Italian passport was taken.

That wasn’t good news in New York, where Nicolas Cage is waiting for Bellucci on the set of “The Sorcerer’s Apprentice.” She’s the female lead.

But sources — or sorcerers — say the passport theft has thrown a temporary wrench into the Jon Turteltaub/Jerry Bruckheimer-Disney production. “Sorcerer” has been set up for shooting all over New York — right in the middle of the new idiotic traffic patterns.

I’m told that Turteltaub has done as much as he can without Bellucci, who should by now have batted her beautiful brown eyes in the direction of embassy officials and gotten a new set of papers to let her into our country. Note to all of them: we want her in New York, no questions asked!

CANNES CATFIGHT, PART DEUX

So: just as I told you in the last day or so, the presentation of the final awards at Cannes on Sunday night was a scandal, as the French would say.

Head juror Isabelle Huppert did refuse to allow popular star Isabelle Adjani on the stage with her. Adjani gave an early award, the Camera d’or, by herself, and before Huppert appeared. Then she left. Adjani did not attend the dinner after the show, but headed home in a private plane.

Willem Dafoe, the star of the festival’s most hated film, “Antichrist,” substituted for Adjani. And just to be difficult, the jury awarded Charlotte Gainsbourg for Best Actress honors for “Antichrist.” The audience at the closing ceremony was pretty shocked. Trust me, this is one award that won’t translate into any others when the film is released in the U.S.

The rest of the closing-night ceremony was fairly dull. Veteran director Alain Resnais tottered forward to get his special prize. He’s going to be 87 next week. His film this year, “Wild Grass,” was not well received. His greatest film, really, was in 1959: “Hiroshima, Mon Amour.” That’s what he should be remembered for.

Otherwise, the closing was notable for no attendance by Quentin Tarantino. He was up at the Hotel du Cap. But when he learned he didn’t win, he skipped the show. This was not the case for Terry Gilliam, who presented an award even though he knew he hadn’t won for “The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus.” He was very funny, too, as he mockingly accepted the award first before the emcee (it was scripted) came over and advised him otherwise.

The emcee, whose name I do not know, was the same guy from the opening night ceremony. You have no idea what he’s saying because the whole thing is in French. The Festival refuses to translate or have a dual-language ceremony, so many in the audience just sit there with a glazed look until something obvious happens.

The big loser last night was the Coco Chanel movie, which was having its debut after the ceremony. Most people left before that screening. You had to feel bad for that director, Jan Kounen. It’s like his movie was an afterthought.

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CANNES OVERNIGHT OSCAR-READY STAR IS 53

Christoph Waltz won Best Actor last night at the Cannes Film Festival for Quentin Tarantino’s “Inglourious Basterds.” He told the crowd he thanked Tarantino for giving him back his vocation.

Waltz is no spring chicken. He will be 53 years old this fall. He has three children including a grown daughter who lives in New York.

He himself lived in New York about 30 years ago when he was a starving actor trying to make a go of it in the Big Apple. He tried his luck with classes at Lee Strasberg. He had no success.

Waltz, who is Austrian by birth but lives in London now, told me the other night that he first lived on the Upper West Side, then in Hell’s Kitchen.

Did he get any work at all?

“Nothing,” he says, shaking his head. He can laugh about it now. But it was not a happy time. He returned to Europe, where he’s worked steadily in German TV.

Waltz is going to be nominated for, and possibly win, the Oscar next March for Best Supporting Actor. His portrayal of Col. Hans Landa, the Nazi officer who snakes his way through “Basterds,” is just amazing. Don’t worry, there’s no sympathy for his character, a gleeful Nazi who’s known as the “Jew Hunter.” The audience knows he is crazy. But Waltz plays him deliciously. We are always waiting for him to return.

Now, his life — I’ll say it just this once–is going from a Waltz to a foxtrot. And several faster dances. Because he’s matinee-idol good looking, and younger looking than his age, Waltz will not have to play any more Nazis. The selection of roles should be varied.

You will hear this over and over again: Tarantino cast him last, because he couldn’t find an actor fluent in English, French, and German to play this role. He almost couldn’t make the movie. For a week, all the production did was see actors for Col. Landa. When they saw Waltz, they knew instantly they had their man. Now they also have a Best Actor.

Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen has worried his close friends. Little by little they’ve spread the word at the Cannes Film Festival that the billionaire is sick, perhaps with a recurrence of Hodgkin’s disease, which he overcame in 1983.

The reason is that Allen, who has a home near Cannes, split from the festival last Tuesday right after his big Monday night gala on his 414-foot yacht, Octopus. I told you last week that Allen hosted the celebrities who were in town, his favorite thing to do, but did not play any music. That may have been one source of the rumors, since a healthy, happy Allen inflicts his guitar-playing on guests at the drop of a hat.

Guests and close friends from last Monday’s party were under the impression that Allen’s quick retreat to Seattle was not about work, but for medical reasons. Allen has recently lost a substantial amount of weight, and that may have been more kindling for the rumors.

A close friend of Allen’s swore to me that he left early for medical reasons, and that his cancer may be back. Let’s hope not. Allen’s spokesman David Postman says it’s untrue, that he spoke to Allen the other day, that he’s busy as ever on email and working hard.

“These rumors started last fall, I don’t know why they’re back,” Postman told me. He says they started around the time similar stories circulated about Apple’s Steve Jobs, who also had a sudden weight drop, spurring illness rumors that turned out be true.

CATFIGHT IN CANNES: JURY CHAOS

The 2009 Cannes Film Festival seemed a little boring on the face of it, but now we have an out-and-out catfight leading up to tonight’s closing ceremony.

The Croisette is buzzing (finally! sacre bleu!) because head juror Isabelle Huppert has refused to let another Isabelle, Adjani, present the Palme d’Or award at the show.

In fact, Huppert, I am told, won’t allow any other French actresses on the stage tonight at the Palais. I’m not kidding when I tell you this, either. Apparently, Huppert is loathed by her fellow jurors and by the Festival officials.

The result: a call went out around town to find all the male actors from movies that played here over the last two weeks who are still in town.

Luckily, several of the actors from Quentin Tarantino’s “Inglourious Basterds” have stuck around, hopeful their movie will win a prize or two tonight. Even’ Tarantino is still here, as well as many of the Basterds–except for Brad Pitt. He and Angelina Jolie left immediately for New York on Friday because Jolie is filming “Salt” and, well, they have six children. Someone had to look after them!

But the Cannes Catfight is a great French saga here. Several French films are in the running for prizes. Not only that: the ceremony is in French! Like the opening night, it’s a big deal.

So, at last: some drama for the big finale. Me? I’m sitting next to a good translator, that’s for sure!

OPRAH, MARIAH, AMFAR BLAME IT ON CANADA

The annual Amfar dinner, “Cinema Against AIDS,” took a hit financially this year, with only $4.5 million in receipts. Hey–$4.5 mil is better than nothing, I say. Anyway, AmFar will soldier on through the recession. The word is they’re planning a “Cinema Against AIDS” at this year’s Toronto Film Festival in early September. The dinner will probably not be hosted by Harvey Weinstein, who they say wants to keep his AmFar I.D. with Cannes. That’s smart. Toronto should have a whole different cast of characters. They certainly have a lot of musical talent to draw on.

And — guess who’s coming to the Great North? Oprah Winfrey and Tyler Perry will be on hand to present Lee Daniels’ “Precious” in a big way. This wonderful film is a lock for lots of awards later this year. And since Mariah Carey is so good in it, maybe she can be the AmFar performer! Wouldn’t that be a hot ticket, and a great way to raise money for AIDS research?

UPDATE: ”ANTICHRIST” STAR TO PRESENT CANNES AWARD

Willem Dafoe, star of the excoriated, much-loathed film, “Antichrist,” will present the Best Actress Award tonight, and Isabelle Huppert herself will give the Palme D’or.

SHARON STONE COULD BE CHANGING HER CHARITIES

Is Sharon Stone getting ready to leave AmFar and her AIDS fundraising for new ventures?

Last night, Stone hosted the annual Cannes AmFar dinner for the 14th year. She took over the charity’s celebrity fundraising’several years ago from Elizabeth Taylor.

But now Stone is telling pals she’s seeing a light at the end of the tunnel with a possible AIDS vaccine. At the same time, she’s concentrating her humanitarian efforts now on bringing clean drinking water to Africa.

AmFar would’not be the same without Stone, whose high powered auctions and her endless energy have brought the group millions. They’d be hard–pressed to’find a replacement, that’s for sure.

But some AmFar insiders have grumbled in recent years that Stone’s wild “performances” at auctions and dinners have alienated some — they think she’s too aggressive. But the proof is in the pudding. On Thursday night, Stone cooled her regular bit and held back, letting professional auctioneer Jamie Niven handle the night. The result was a 50% drop in revenue from last year.

Perhaps if Stone had done her usual thing, and also had some interaction with Bill Clinton on stage, AmFar would have more money in the till this morning. You never know!

RIHANNA’S EARRINGS FROM HER ARREST HIT CANNES

Rihanna didn’t go to the Cannes Film Festival, but her earrings did.

The large dangling’ earrings that Rihanna borrowed from H. Stern have been in the police impound since February 8th–the night she was allegedly attacked by boyfriend Chris Brown.

But this week in Cannes, the earrings made their return’to the red carpet. A top Hollywood agent borrowed them herself from H. Stern as soon as the LAPD gave them back.

BRANGELINA: NOT PREGNANT, BUT PROUD

The biggest question on the Croisette last night’other than Will Quentin Tarantino please cut ten minutes out of his movie?’was: Is Angelina Jolie pregnant? (This was followed closely by: Have she and Brad Pitt been separated?)

First, the answer to the more important of these questions: Quentin Tarantino should cut at least ten minutes from his two and a half hour self-proclaimed masterpiece, ‘Inglourious Basterds.’ The cuts are not so much about the length, because with Tarantino you can watch and watch hypnotically. It’s all about edits to make the film ‘ a fantasy in which the Jews rage against Hitler and his associates, finally killing them’more about Pitt’s band of Basterds including Eli Roth and Michael Fassbender‘and a little less about French actress Melanie Laurent‘s story line concerning the blowing up of a Paris cinema.

But Brad and Angie: she is not pregnant, they are very happy, she is proud of him. He is proud to have evolved into a character actor, and a very deft comedian.

‘It’s so much easier,’ he told me, ‘and satisfying.’ This conversation took place after the wildly successful premiere screening of ‘Basterds’ at the Palais, the craziest night on the red carpet since last year’s screening of ‘Changeling’ with Brad, Jolie, and director Clint Eastwood. The red carpet was already buzzing with the annual arrival of Sharon Stone, as well as many French celebrities and the jury. So many gowns, so little time!

And then Tarantino and Melanie Laurent hit the runway and performed a crazy ‘Pulp Fiction’ inspired jitterbug to Ennio Morricone instrumental spaghetti western music, and the place just went, well, nuts. Inside the Palais, hundreds of seated guests clapped watching the whole pas de deux on the giant video screen. Laurent, who’s 26, wore a white pants suit (she changed later into a hot little dress). No question about it: she’s a find. She’s what Sienna Miller wants to be, the serious little blonde actress.

Tarantino was greeted inside the theatre by thunderous applause and a long standing ovation before ‘IB’ even started playing. It took quite a while to get everyone calmed down and seated. Then, the two and a half hour movie that is often brilliant, sometimes inspires you to mutter ‘cut’ during long scenes, and then ends with several bangs. A ten minute standing ovation followed, with everyone in the cast and the folks from Universal and the Weinstein Company weeping and high fiving.

But in realite: ‘Inglorious Basterds’ could use a little snipping, not the self mutilation of Lars von Trier’s ‘Anti-Christ.’ But the steady hand of an AVID operator wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

And then the party, at a Beach club across from what used to be called the Noga Hilton, a huge white sixties type building of such fascinating ugliness that if it were in Manhattan the Landmarks Commission might to start to argue for its preservation. However, it is now called the Princess Stephanie after an 80s disco chrome and smoked glass makeover.

The wine and Champagne flowed, the hors d’oeuvres were in less attendance than needed, but the deejay was sensational. The result was the party of the festival so far, a real St. Tropez style celebration that mixed celebrities through a room of guests dressed in black tie and gowns, along with the scantily clad women of the Cannes night who somehow make into these things, ‘haven’t seen the movie yet,’ and are maybe unaware that a film festival is taking place somewhere in town.

The sprawling ‘Basterds’ cast took positions everywhere, from Brad and Angelina to Mike Myers (he’s a surreal kind of wax figure British aristocrat war secretary during one of Tarantino’s digressions) to young Eli Roth–who fancies himself a modern Louie B. Mayer-slash-Roger Corman, B.J. Novak of ‘The Office’ fame, Diane Kruger with boyfriend Joshua Jackson (ex of ‘Dawson’s Creek’ now the star of the cult hit ‘Fringe’ on TV). Laurent, and German actor Christoph Waltz who steals ‘Inglorious Basterds’ as the antagonist Nazi Colonel Landa the way Ralph Fiennes did fifteen years ago in ‘Schindler’s List.’

And here’s the thing about Christoph Waltz‘s Landa: you love him, but you hate him. Tarantino makes a point in ‘Inglourious Basterds’ that Bryan Singer and Christopher McQuarrie didn’t get in ‘Valkyrie’: there are no good Nazis. Landa is almost a send up of Tom Cruise’s von Stauffenberg, who wanted to kill Hitler but failed miserably. Landa’s trajectory from zealot to sell out is the most fascinating part of ‘Basterds,’ other than Brad Pitt’s hilarious, trance state impersonation of a deep South military man overreaching his position. (Watch for Pitt as he nails it in a Marx Brothers moment in Armani formal wear. It’s lovely.)

Wait! You don’t care about any of this. All you want to know is that at the party, Brad and Angie were seated in a corner behind a velvet rope, as if they were the furniture you’re not supposed to sit on in a historical home. Angie remained on a divan, smiling and chatting cautiously. She has a look on her face of a royal Cheshire cat. She was simply tolerating everyone to be supportive of Brad. Her cartoon Thought Balloon just reads: ‘Sigh.’

Brad, on the other hand, is gregarious and polite. He comes forward to shake hands as he recognizes people from the real world. When the idiot French bulldozers of security attempt to repel oncomers, Brad’in black tie’makes a small, suggestive royal wave that indicates, That’s okay, this person is not here to accost me, they’re alright.

He has to sort of kneel with one knee as he shakes your hand because there’s another divan set up as a barricade just behind the velvet rope and you are not coming in. He is coming to you. Angie is in the background, nodding to a stranger who’s probably telling her in French, Italian, or German how much they loved ‘Tomb Raider.’ Her cartoon balloon is fully inflated.

Brad is beaming. ‘I love QT, he’s quite a man,’ he says of Tarantino. ‘Now I’ve done him and the Coen brothers.’ The biggest male sex symbol movie star in the world has become Zany. He loves it. ‘It’s QT. He just knows everything about film, more than we’ll ever know. He’s an encyclopedia.’

But he’s been away from Angie for too long. On the red carpet, Pitt would wander away from her for a nanosecond, then return quickly and grab her hand. And now he’s doing the same thing. She’s not pregnant, they’re not separating, the tabloids are disappointed. But he’s retreated from the rope, and he’s back where he belongs, by her side.

PENLOPE ISN’T PREGNANT EITHER; MIKE MYERS SOFT HEART FOR SOFT CORE

In the end,’ Oscar winner Penelope Cruz– not pregnant but suffering from stomach flu and on antibiotics– did a day of press on Wednesday for ‘Broken Embraces,’ but cancelled today’s interviews. She made her way back to Madrid where she can have the Spanish equivalent of tea and toast (which might be tea and toast). She has to rest up for ‘Nine’ this fall, after all’

‘Mike Myers also looked a little green during all the ‘Basterds’ commotion. That’s because he literally jetted in to Cannes for a 48 hour press wave, and will leave again shortly. Through the ‘Basterds’ press conference, on the red carpet, and again at the party, Myers appeared discomfited. He did have with him his very cute and personable girlfriend, Kelly, who runs a vegan restaurant on New York’s Lower East Side with Moby, the electropop musical star. She told me they’ve been together for three years.

So what’s Mike up to? ‘I’m remaking the movie ‘Emmanuelle’,‘ he said, with a straight face. ‘We’re taking footage from the film and cutting in new footage. There’s a press conference tomorrow at 4pm to announce it.’ Who’s financing this unusual effort? A studio? ‘Canal Plus right now. But MGM I think in the future.’ And the rights to ‘Emmanuelle’? ‘It’s taken care of,’ he said. ‘We’ve got it.’

JACKO PUSHES BACK START DATE FOR LONDON SHOWS

I told you two weeks ago–Michael Jackson’s London shows are being pushed back to July 13 start–from July 8th. This came as a “surprise” to TMZ.com and other blogs’ but they read it in this column on May 5th and on May 11th. Hello!

I like that TMZ.com also says that the dates were pushed back because there are fears that Jackson can’t physically get through a whole show. I doubt that either Harvey Levin or I could get through a three-hour’ show like Michael’s, but I am assured the former King of Pop can do it. The reason for the postponement is because the sets won’t be ready.

Blogs equal speculation masquerading as fact.

TARANTINO’S PEOPLE: WHO’S WHO IN ‘BASTERDS’

Here’s just a beginning glossary of who’s been named what or why by Quentin Tarantino in “Inglourious Basterds”:

Brad Pitt’s character, Aldo Raine, is of course named for the Italian actor, Aldo Ray. Hence, our Aldo volunteers to speak Italian, even though he can’t.

There’s a PFC Hirschberg named for New York Times Magazine writer and Tarantino close friend Lynn Hirschberg. Another character, Francesca Mondino is named for photographer Jean-Baptiste Mondino.

Daniel Bruhl plays Frederick Zoller, who seems to be named for Broadway producer Fred Zollo, a close friend of Eli Roth, one of the film’s co-stars.

There are also a few references to the Weinstein family: a baby has just been born named Max, the father of Harvey Weinstein. There’s also a Bob and Miriam, Harvey’s brother and mother.

Mike Myers plays General Ed Fenech, named for Edward Fenech Adami, the president of Malta, where “Inglourious” was filmed.

There’s also a German soldier named Edgar Wallace, whose namesake was a famous writer at the turn of the century. The original Edgar Wallace wrote the first screenplay for “King Kong,” a character that figures in a bar parlor game in the movie.

Actor Til Schweiger plays Hugo Stiglitz the only character whose name occasions a gigantic call out name card on screen in the middle of a scene. The real Stiglitz is a very famous Mexican actor and director from the kinds of obscure films Tarantino loves–and only he knows about.

There are a few I’ve missed–which I’m also sure Tarantians have already figured out. A good parlor game–maybe as much fun as the one in the movie!