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Bruno: Vulgar, Short and Anal Retentive

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bruno 263x3002 Bruno: Vulgar, Short and Anal Retentive“Bruno”: there appeared to be a problem with Sacha Baron Cohen’s new film when it was kept away from New York reviewers and columnists until the last minute. Don’t the studios know this is a dead giveaway? Showing a film only in Los Angeles means there’s trouble. Eventually, the truth will come out.

And so I caught a big all-media screening of “Bruno” last night in L.A. It opens on Friday, at the end of an immense publicity blitz. Something about Cohen as Bruno landing upside down on Eminem’s lap at the MTV Video Awards — and then the whole thing admittedly being planned — spoke of desperation, didn’t it?

The fact is, “Borat” was vulgar, too. But it was delivered with a certain sweetness. The Borat character had a hapless quality that made his adventures all the more hilarious. When real people were hurt along the way, Borat couldn’t really be blamed. He just lucked into the situations (even if they were staged–hello, Pamela Anderson).

“Bruno” — a blissfully short comedy under 85 minutes– is quite different. He is as unlikeable as Borat was charming. Bruno seems angry and hellbent on skewering people around him. He succeeds. Mostly, he impales the audience. His victims now seem victimized, from the pastor who specializes in counseling “converted gays” to the hunters who listen to Bruno’s jabbering about “Sex and the City.”

A lot of it is set up this time. Too many people knew about Cohen’s tricks. You feel it. Cohen and director Larry Charles must have too because now they resort to talking penises and other crudities that would have been beneath Borat. Even his assistant, Azamat, would have refused to do what his bland successor, Lutz, is forced into, such as anal bleaching. Let’s put it this way: Bruno does not wax poetic.

A big part of the problem is that Bruno, unlike Borat, has no backstory. We don’t know who he is, and I’m not sure if Cohen does either. The movie starts out as a parody of the fashion business, turns into perhaps a satire about fame, and then just devolves into some kind of coarse gay whoopie cushion j0ke. No sympathy is created for Bruno. He’s just a boor from the start. It’s offensive, but only because it’s demeaning to the audience.

Is there funny stuff? Sure. There are lots of good one liners. All the German shtick owes its life to Mel Brooks, such as Bruno’s desire to be “the biggest Austrian celebrity since Hitler.” He refers to his posterior as his Auschwitz. Cohen’s comic delivery is impeccable. My favorite bits include a bunch of Mexicans acting as furniture, and the much publicized staged TV Talk show where Bruno shows off his adopted African child. But the good ideas are just strung together, there’s no character development, and no real idea of where this is all heading — into a dead end.

Will there be fallout? Ron Paul won’t be too pleased. Neither will Kevin Spacey, John Travolta or Tom Cruise. Luckily, Paula Abdul was in on her joke. Mel Gibson, a sight joke, is referred to as “the Fuhrer.”

When all else fails, bring in the celebrities: Over the end credits, Bruno stages a charity single a la “We Are the World” with Elton John, Bono, Sting, Chris Martin, and Snoop Dogg. Why, exactly? Who knows? It’s funny enough, but this kind of send up used to be done as well or better on “Saturday Night Live.”

Paris Katherine Jackson: She’s Debbie’s Daughter

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jackson paris 150x1501 Paris Katherine Jackson: Shes Debbies Daughter

If you believed for a second last week that Debbie Rowe wasn’t the biological mother of Paris Katherine Jackson, 11, and her brother, Prince Michael, then yesterday’s memorial should have set you straight.

From my vantage point in the audience, you could see that Paris was moving toward the microphone on the stage as other people took their turns speaking. It looked for a moment that Janet Jackson was going to say something, but then Paris saw her opportunity.

She may not have a relationship with Debbie Rowe, but in that second it was clear that she was her daughter. Just as Rowe takes no prisoners with the intrusive paparazzi, Paris could not be stopped. She will be a child who speaks her mind. According to backstage insiders from the Staples, she was very clear about what should be happening at the memorial, too.

A good friend of Michael’s says, sweetly, “Michael knew she was a little actress. She can very dramatic. Michael said, ‘She’ll be an action star.’ “

The Missing Jackson at Michael’s Memorial: Jesse

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jackson jesse 300x214 The Missing Jackson at Michaels Memorial: JesseA lot of familiar faces from the world of Michael Jackson were missing yesterday at the memorial service: Liz, Liza, Macaulay, etc.

But the biggest absence: Reverend Jesse Jackson. He was nowhere to be seen and did not speak. It was a glaring omission. Jackson raced to Michael’s side in Santa Maria, California during his 2005 child molestation trial. He frequently spoke out for Michael. In December 2006 he went with Michael to James Brown’s funeral.

So what happened? Sources say that Jesse Jackson and Joseph Jackson, Michael’s father, do not get along. Much debate went on for days backstage to get the Reverend on the show. Considering that Al Sharpton and the children of Dr. Martin Luther King got their chances at the podium — and all spoke magnificently — the Jesse Jackson situation is considered the biggest backstage scandal of the memorial.

Jackson Doctor Wanted Michael to Live Near Him

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A year ago I reported — in May 2008 — that Michael Jackson might be moving to Pougheekpsie, New York.

Where? You’re scratching your head.

It should come as little shock now that Michael’s ex-on the road doctor, Neil Ratner, an anesthesiologist, lives in next door community Woodstock.

Ratner, it seems, had rented Jackson a home and planned on him being around the corner. If you recall, Michael had stalled out in Las Vegas, nearly lost Neverland to foreclosure, and didn’t know what to do with himself.

At the time, even Jackson’s closest associates could not imagine him living in Poughkeepsie.

But little by little stories are emerging about Ratner, a doctor who was suspended from practicing medicine for three years in 2002 as the result of an insurance fraud scheme that involved New York’obstetrician-gynecologist’Dr. Niels Lauersen, the ex-boyfriend of songwriter/socialitie Denise Rich.

Lauersen was famous in New York as a fertility doctor. But for patients without means, he billed their insurance companies for ob-gyn procedures, disguising invitro procedures.

According to New York Magazine:

The government’s star witness was Dr. Neil Ratner, Lauersen’s former anesthesiologist, who testified to a deliberate office policy of falsifying insurance forms. The prosecution knew Ratner would be a shaky witness, so the attorneys started the questioning by having him admit to dodging the draft, to being unable to get into an American med school, to dealing drugs, and to being “pretty stoned a lot of the time I was giving anesthesia,” once accidentally injecting himself with a paralyzing agent on the job. But to Lauersen, Ratner was like a patient, a person he could make well. “I took Ratner when nobody else would,” he says. “I made him a good person.”

During the Lauersen trial in 2000, Ratner refused to say whether he gave Jackson drugs on his 1996-97 tour. According’ to reports, when questioned under oath about drugs, Ratner shot back, “What’s your definition of drugs?”

‘More to come on Ratner, and the whole issue of mobile at-home anesthesiology.

Jackson Family Celebration Set for Hotel Ballroom

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While downtown Los Angeles braces itself for an onslaught of millions at the Staples Center, Beverly Hills is getting ready for the aftermath.

Sources say that following the memorial concert/tribute at Staples, the Jacksons have invited a couple hundred of their nearest and dearest to break bread with them at the Beverly Wilshire Hotel ballroom.

All the main guests from the Staples are expected, from Stevie Wonder, Smokey Robinson and Berry Gordy to Lionel Richie, Mariah Carey, Jennifer Hudson, and myraid stars from sports and entertainment. Indeed, the after party at the Beverly Wilshire is shaping up as the event of the season.

The after party could be a more likely venue for names like Diana Ross and Liza Minnelli to put in an appearance and pay their respects to the Jacksons rather than brave the insane crowds downtown. It’s possible that Elizabeth Taylor and hairdresser to the stars Jose Eber, with whom Jackson spent this past Easter. could turn up at the hotel as well.

Meantime, the Jacksons “gathered” at Forest Lawn Cemetery yesterday where, as this column predicted, they had their service for Michael. It’s unclear whether the internment took place Monday night or whether they’re waiting for this morning (Tuesday) to complete this final step in the Jackson family tragedy.

What is certain is that after today is over, the reality of what’s happened will start to dawn on everyone involved. Those immediate realities include who owns the Jackson family home now, as well as Neverland, the Beatles catalog, and Michael’s own music company, MiJac. For years all of those assets have been encumbered by inconceivable debt. Now the debt will have to be retired. There are many surprises ahead, no doubt.

This ISN’T It: Next Jacko Tribute in London

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Exclusive: Today’s memorial for Michael Jackson won’t be the last. Sources tell me that Jackson insiders are planning a true memorial concert for what would have been the singer’s 51st birthday on Aug. 29. The location would be the O2 Arena in London, where Jackson was set to start his “This Is It” concert tour this coming Monday.’Details to follow.

Michael’s Memorial: Poignant, Beautifully Produced

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Michael Jackson’s memorial service/concert tribute was surprisingly poignant and beautifully produced, as predicted.

The “show” went smoothly, while the audience in the Staples Center was extremely restrained, reverent and respectful.

jacksons stage 341 Michaels Memorial: Poignant, Beautifully ProducedAs anyone who watched the program knows, two Jacksons stole the show: Michael’s 11-year-old daughter, Paris Michael Katherine, and his brother Jermaine. Brother Marlon acquitted himself well.

But it was the show in the seats that caught my eye. For one thing, there were plenty of floor seats and many in the adjacent areas. Someone told me that the Jacksons, who controlled the floor seats, had overestimated their number of guests.

Controversial racial and political figure Louis Farrakhan brought a large contingent with him and sat a couple of rows ahead of me. His group included the actress Ja’net Dubois, well known from the TV series “Good Times.”

Farrakhan had a lot of security people with him, including one fellow who was well known to yours truly: This man had previously been assigned by the Nation of Islam to Michael Jackson’s trial in 2005 in Santa Maria, Calif. Strangely enough, this bodyguard sat away from Farrakhan and close to me, but I guess wasn’t allowed to acknowledge me. Very weird.

Meanwhile, famed Motown songwriter Eddie Holland strolled down the main aisle and planted a kiss on the cheek of legendary singer Freda Payne. He and brother Brian and Lamont Dozier wrote her 1970 classic, “Band of Gold.” It was only then that I noticed the odd little white man sitting beside Freda. It was none other than the ex-Mr. Liza Minnelli, David Gest. He is now more or less unrecognizable. Once billed as Michael Jackson’s best friend, Gest was almost invisible at the service.

Elsewhere, boxing champ Smokin’ Joe Frazier was brought in by wheelchair. Sean “Diddy” Combs came in late, and remained fairly unobtrusive. He was seated near another late arrival, Don King. I spotted the Dominick Cascio family of New Jersey — they were Michael’s surrogate family and loved him very much. Many Sony executives were there too including Martin Bander, who runs Sony/ATV Music Publishing, as well as Rolf Schmidt Holz, Steve Barnett and Rob Stringer. Unlikely as it might sound, there was a Tommy Mottola sighting as well — the same Mottola who Michael once labeled a “racist.”

Also seen: MickeyRooney – looking swell! plus Dionne Warwick, Levar Burton and Telma Hopkins.

More to come …

Griffin Dunne Brings Stars to Upstate New York

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Getty Photo

Getty Photo

Actor-director Griffin Dunne’s wedding over July 4th weekend brought a bevy of stars to sleepy Rhinebeck, New York.

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban, Hugh Jackman, Sacha Baron Cohen and Isla Fisher, and Simon Baker were among those spotted around town, causing quite the stir. Several stopped in at Gigi Trattoria, where the rehearsal dinner was held, sources say. Mark Ruffalo was seen dining on the patio on Sunday.

Griffin was married once before (an earlier marriage, according to IMDB, was annulled) to “Law and Order” actress Carey Lowell, now wed to Richard Gere. They have a daughter, Hannah.

Jackson Burial May Be Done in Secret Today (Monday)

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Michael Jackson’s private internment may be as early as today (Monday), sources tell me.

And — flash—Lionel Richie is definitely on the program for Tuesday’s memorial service. Jackson songs like “We Are the World” (which Richie co-wrote) and “Heal the World” would make sense on the program. So would “Gone Too Soon,” “Man in the Mirror,” and “You Are Not Alone.”

Stevie, Smokey and Diana should be on the bill or in attendance as well. I hope that Gladys Knight is not forgotten. Motown’s premier songstress discovered the Jackson 5 with Motown’s Bobby Taylor in Gary, Indiana in 1968. Gladys and the Pips were at the top of the charts and their game with “I Heard it Through the Grapevine.”

But back to the issue at hand: Instead of waiting until tomorrow (Tuesday) before the big memorial service at the Staples Center, the Jackson family may have decided to an end run around the press and Michael’s fans.

If so, there will be heightened security at Forest Lawn Cemetery in Hollywood. The early ceremony makes sense. It gives the Jacksons a chance to grieve before dealing with the public on Tuesday.

This much sources tell me about Michael’s preparations: his long time and steadfast friend, Karen Faye, has been overseeing how Jackson will look in his casket. Jackson’s veteran costumers, Michael Bush and Dennis Thompkins, have handmade his final suit.

The rest of it: I’ve no doubt “insiders” are already planning to take pictures of Jackson in his coffin, and sell them to the highest bidders. It boggles the mind that there are people so low, crass and despicable. But “Entertainment Tonight” already served up a picture of Jackson on the ambulance gurney, and OK! Magazine published pictures of Jackson after he died. I’m not sure how the people who run those organizations sleep at night.

Jermaine Jackson May Perform at Michael’s Memorial

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Jermaine Jackson, the velvet-voiced brother of Michael Jackson, may perform at the end of tomorrow’s Staples Center tribute to the fallen King of Pop.

Sources say that Jermaine will represent the Jackson family, singing Charlie Chaplin’sSmile.” If this comes off as planned and hoped, Jermaine will steal the spotlight from many superstars including Stevie Wonder, Smokey Robinson, Usher, Mariah Carey, and Jennifer Hudson.

Twenty five years ago, Jermaine released an album that should have made him a star in his own right. But for reasons that remain unclear, after he had hits, Jermaine’s career fizzled. This should be an extraordinary moment for him.

Meanwhile, as I predicted, Stevie and Smokey are on the show for tomorrow, as well as Mariah’who will undoubtedly perform “I’ll Be There” with Trey Lorenz, plus Lionel Richie. Sources tell me there may be something from John Legend and Akon.

But basically, there is little time for rehearsal or soundchecks with a 10 a.m. start time tomorrow. So the show’live around the world‘will be like one of producer Ken Ehrlich’s Grammy presentations. Hot stuff.

One thing to look for: the appearance of Jennifer Hudson. The very private performer may very well be eight months pregnant, and showing like crazy. There will be lots of talk in the wake of all this. But don’t expect Hudson to discuss it. She’s doing this her own way.

Also: James Hibberd live blogs the Jackson memorial service here.