The review embargo on “The Fabulous Four” lifted earlier today. So far no one has filed a report to Rotten Tomatoes.
How bad is it? Well, Bette Midler left the country to dodge the reviews. First a publicist told me she’d gone, then one of her friends added the why to her absence. She hasn’t mentioned the film once on her very active Twitter account.
“The Fabulous Four” is the dime paperback version of a “Book Club” movie. It’s the latest in a series of so-called comedies about a squad of older women who go on a trip to a sunny place to reunite, bicker over old wounds, and resolve their friendships. As my colleague, Ed Douglas, observed one of them always gets stoned by accident. One has senior sex. They all re-evaluate their lives.
Bette plays Marilyn, a live wire who’s decided to remarry in her late 70s after her husband dies. She’s been making money from being an elder TikTok star, a la Nikki Haskell in real life. Marilyn’s been on the outs for decades with Susan Sarandon’s cardiac surgeon, Lou, because she thinks Marilyn stole her boyfriend years ago. (Why would they even still want to be friends?)
Midler and Sarandon look great but they are in their late 70s. So it makes no sense that the other pair of college pals in this quad are Megan Mullally (Alice) and Sheryl Lee Ralph (Kitty), who are each a decade or more younger. Meantime, Kitty sells weed for a living, which is objected to by daughter, who’s is in some kind of Christian cult. Mullally is the slut. They are the Tarnished Girls.
Mixed into this group of four is the otherwise talented Canadian actor Bruce Greenwood, who used to make silly bikini movies and then went on to serious performances in quality films. Unfortunately, he’s returned to his roots as a lothario (maybe) drawn so poorly he has no pulse. His character is part of a surprise plot twist that’s suddenly revealed, then abandoned. Just when you think the movie might take off, it sputters.
Off the women go to Key West, for no reason except Bette is getting married, and the younger gals trick Sarandon into tagging along. From then on, “The Fabulous Four” are not fabulous for a minute. This is a very pale version of Midler’s former glory in the great “First Wives Club.” There’s no script, not one original idea. It’s the worst attempt at a geezer movie since Julia Roberts and George Clooney in “Ticket to Paradise.”
I could nitpick through every page and frame, but why bother? I guess the tragedy is that in Midler and Sarandon’s cases, at least, their work opportunities have diminished over time. They are top notch — Sarandon has an Oscar, Midler has the stunning voice and great comedic timing. But they are all wasted. Wait for an airplane ride to see this turkey from middling director Jocelyn Moorhouse.
Key West and the Ernest Hemingway House do get a lot of plugs, as does TikTok which you can only hope footed the bill.
